neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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