Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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