How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
