saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
