my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
