She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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