i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
