I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
