dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
