1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
