I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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