I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
