I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
