does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
