It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
