i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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