I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
