dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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