I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
