If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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