I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
