I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
