happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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