I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
