I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
