I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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