I accidentally had phone sex last night
P.S. I can't hear my feet
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
