It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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