I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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