Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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