They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can text with my tongue
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
