I'm gonna have a badass scar
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
