I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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