You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
