As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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