Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
