no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
