Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
