It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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