I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
