He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
