If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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