I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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