WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
