yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
