Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
