Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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