I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
