So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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