she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
