God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
